It was them, the neighbors! They did it all along! Check out these incriminating pictures.
I knew it was them all along. Seriously, I did. I was just keeping it under wraps, hoping they’d slip up and give themselves away and ruin their plan. Boy did it work too. I mean, you can clearly see their faces in these pictures. They saw me pointing the finger in every direction but theirs and just wanted to grab some of the attention.
Ha ha ha. Works every time 
Luckily, Mr. Sméagol is safely back at home. He spent nearly 3 weeks in the grip of his captors. He doesn’t stand so well these days. That may have something to do with Topher running him over, but I prefer to blame it on that mound of pumpkins outside Alberstons. He probably slipped right off and damaged his good leg.
The only thing left to do now is figure out how to punish the villains. Do you have any suggestions? They deserve something dastardly.
We’ve long thought that the captors of poor Mr. Sméagol had some connection with Carriage Cove. This new batch of pictures only adds to that suspicion.
The captors must have had easy access to Carriage Cove, and known the very entrance that we, Mr. Sméagol’s friends, must have used so frequently. They’re rubbing it in our faces now.
But there is one element of mystery. The second picture – the one with Gandalf, the Grey Wizard featured so prominently on the background television – could not have been taken at Carriage Cove. That shelving unit is unlike anything I’ve ever seen in any Carriage Cove apartment. Not to mention the very VHS nature of the movie itself. How many college-aged kids would be caught dead with a VHS these days? None. The captors must have enlisted the help of parents or long-time residents to stage this shot. My guess is, these villains are locals!
With this new batch of pictures, we’re hoping that someone out there might be able to shed some light on this most unfortunate situation.
Look at that! Right there, in the middle picture. There’s a person of the female variety, sharing park bench space with Mr. Sméagol! Who is she?!
Whoever she is, she must have seen the captors. They probably even convinced here to stay put while our poor, nearly-naked victim was dumped along beside her. If we could only get to her and ask her a few questions, we’d be so much closer to bringing the gollum-nappers to justice.
That’s where you come in. Do you know this lady-person? Have you seen our BYU Creamery shopping, neon blue and white cell phone carrying, white shoes after labor day wearing would-be informant? Please share with us your insight!
Do you remember High School? I’m sure you do, and I’m sure you can sympathize with Mr. Sméagol’s plight as he was forced by his captors to relive those High School days.
Who would do that to a person? You can see the agonized look on his face! The way he teeters on the basketball hoop as basketballs are flung at his frail body. Where is the humanity?
We know Mr. Sméagol must be close. If you have any information regarding his captivity, please come forward.
Mr. Sméagol’s captors have been especially cruel to him most recently. This newest batch of pictures show just how much danger he’s been in.
See how the large cats of the Provo Orem area have Mr. Sméagol where they want him. We can only hope he has survived.
